EileenChang
WhenIgotofftheplaneinTaipeionmywaytoHongKong,IdidnotexpecttoseeanyoneIknew.IhadaskedtheChusnottomeetme,knowingtheywerebusyjustthen.Butitwaspossiblethattheywouldgetsomebodyelsetoeintheirstead,soIwasnotsurprisedwhenanefficient-lookingmaninneatwesternclothesapproachedme."YouareMrs.RichardNixon?"HesaidinEnglish.
IhadseenmanyphotographsoftheblondeMrs.NixonandneverimaginedIresembledher.Besides,heshouldbeabletotellafellowChineseevenbehindherdarkglasses.Butwithawoman-sinabilitytodisbelieveaplimentaltogether,nomatterhowflagrantlyuntrue,Irememberedthatshewasthin,whichIundoubtedlywas.Thentherewasthoseglasses."No,Iamsorry,"Isaid,andhewalkedawaytosearchamongtheotherpassengers.
ItstruckmeasalittleoddthatMrs.NixonshouldetoFormosa,evenifeverybodyisvisitingtheOrientjustnow.Anyhowtheremusthavebeensomemix-up,astherewasonlythisoneembassyemployeetogreether.
"DidyouknowMrs.Nixonisingtoday?"IaskedmyfriendsMr.AndMrs.Chu,whohadturnedupafterall.
"No,wehaven-theard,"Mr.Chusaid.Itoldthemaboutthemanwhomistookmeforherandwhatajokethatwas."Um,"hesaidunsmiling.Thenhesaidsomewhatembarrassedly,"There-samanwhoisalwayshangingaroundtheairporttomeetAmericandignitaries.He-snotquitesane."
Ilaughed,thenwentunderFormosa-shugewaveofwistfulyearningfortheoutsideworld,particularlyAmerica,itsonlyfriendandthereforeinsomewaysafoe.
"Howdoesitfeeltobeback?"Mr.Chuasked.AlthoughIhadneverbeentherebefore,theyweregoingalongwiththeofficialassumptionthatFormosaisChina,themothercountryofallChinese.IlookedaroundthecrowdedairportanditreallywasChina,notthestrangeoneIlefttenyearsagoundertheCommunistsbuttheoneIknewbestandthoughthadvanishedforever.ThebuzzofMandarinvoicesalsomadeitdifferentfromHongKong.Afeelingofchronologicalconfusioncameoverme.
"Itfeelslikedreaming."Andtakinginallthefamiliarfacesspeakingthetonesofhomeland,Iexclaimed,"Butit-snotpossible!"Mr.ChusmiledruefullyasifIhadsaid,"Butyouareghosts."
Mrs.Chutoldmeaswelefttheairport,"Thisisanuglycity,buttheminuteyougetoutoftownitisbeautiful."
Theylodgedmeinamountaininn.IgottheGeneral-sSuite,wherethegeneralsstaywhentheyeuphilltoreporttotheGeneralissimo,wholivesafewstepsawayacrosstheroad.Thesuitewasreachedthroughaseriesofdesertedlittlecourtyards,withitsownrockgardenandlotuspond.Inthesilencetherewasjustthesoundoftheeveningdrizzleonthebananapalmandinthebathroomatapofsulphurwaterconstantlyrunningoutofastonelionmouthandsplashingovertherimofthecementtank.Therewererattanfurnitureonthetatamiflooringandawardrobeandbedwithstainedsheets.Itoldmyselfnottobefastidious.Buttherewerebedbugs.FinallyIhadtogetupneardawntosleepontheledgeofthehonorrecess,whereinJapaneselivingroomsthebestvaseandpicturescrollaredisplayed.Themaidwasfrightenedwhensheeinthemorningandcouldnotfindme.
ItwasplainthatthegeneralshadfemininepanionshipwhilespendingthenightawaitingaudiencewiththeGeneralissimo.IwonderedattheeaseofprocuringgirlsalmostnextdoortothatChristianandConfucianfounderoftheNewLifeMovement.Surelyitwasunseemlywith"Heaven-scountenanceonlyafootaway,"asweusedtodescribeanaudiencewiththeemperor.AfterIleftTaipeiforthecountryside,Irealizedthatprostitutionwasmoreopenonthislandthanperhapsanywhereelseintheworld.Inasmall-townnewspaperfiveorsixadvertisementsofthistypeappearedinoneday:"JoyandHappinessProstitutes-Domicile,1stclass.124ShinMingRoad.Swarmsofprettygirlslikeclouds,offeringthebestservices."
InthecountrysideFormosapeelsback,showingolderstrata.ThereweremorenativeFormosansthanrefugees.Themixedemotionsofmyhomeingofsortsgavewaytopuretouristenthusiasm.
FromtimetotimeMrs.Chu,sittingnexttomeinthebus,whisperedurgently,"shandi,shandi!"Ijustcaughtaglimpseofashandi,ormountaindweller,agraylittlewraithwithwhiskerstattooedonhercheekscarryingababyonherbackandloiteringoutsideashopalongthehighway."Shandi,shandi!"Againthebreathlesslittlecryandanudge.IsawgypsylikechildreninraggedT-shirtsandskirts,carrying
smallerchildren."Theyalletotownwhenthere-saJapanesepictureon,"Mrs.Chusaid.
"Oh,dotheyspeakJapanese?"
"Verywell."
ManyofthebuspassengerstalkedJapanese.TheyweretheearlyChinesesettlers,andasurprisingnumberoftheiryoungpeoplestillspokeJapanese.Thebusstoppedatwhatseemedtobethemiddleofnowhereandayoungmangotoff.Theconductorfollowedhim.Suddenlytherewasafight,thetworollingoverandoveronthewayside."Chigaruyo!Chigaruyo!"IcouldmakeouttheoneJapanesewordtheyoungmankeptshouting:"Mistake!Mistake!"Thedrivergotofftohelpbeathim.Thepassengerlearnedthatthismanwasalwaysstealingrides.Ithoughthowun-Chinesethesepeoplewere.InHongKongIhadseenastreetcarconductorfollowingafreeridertothestreetandgradholdofhisnecktie,inplaceofthepigtailwhichusedtobethefirstthingreachedforinabrawl.Butthatwasjustascuffleandexchangeofwords.Lastyearabusconductorwastakentothepolicestationontheplainofawomanhehadhitwithhisticketpuncher,amurderoustoolconductorswereforeverrattlingtoremindpeopletobuytickets.Buttherewereneveranyrealfightslikethis.
Finallythedriverandconductorletthemango.Hegotonhisfeetpantinganddustinghimself.Theydroveoff.Hestoodatattentioninhistornkhakishirtandsalutedthebusasitpassed.HedidnotlookoldenoughtohavebeeninthearmyinJapanesedays,butthatreverencewasdistinctlyJapanese.Oddlyenough,italsoremindedmeoftheCommunistChineseliningupalltheporters,sweepers,andpeddlersontherailwayplatform,eachpresentinghisbroom,pole,andbasketlikearmsasthetrainpulledout.Workershavebeentoldtolovetheirmachine,buttohavethempaytheirrespectstoitinthislittleritualseemedstrange.
FromFormosaIwentontoHongKong,whichIhadnotseenforsixyears.Thecitywasbeingtorndownandrebuiltintohighapartmentbuildings.Wholestreetsweredugup,withapostboxburieduptoitsneck,stillfunctioning.Therefugeesweresettleddown,hopingonlytoliveouttheirlivesinHongKong.TheyoungergenerationspeakCantoneseinschoolandrefusetospeakanythingelseathome,agoodexcusenottotalktotheirparentsthatotherteenagersmayenvy.
Themoreorlesswell-to-dohomesIsawweregettingincreasinglyAmericanized,withamahsbeingtooexpensiveandwashingmachinestakingtheirplacealonewiththelastest-modelrefrigeratorsandhi-fiphonographsboughtontheinstallmentplan.Christmashadbeeagreatoccasionforgiftsandpartiesfornon-Christianstoo.BoysandgirlshandedeachotherChristmascardsinschool.Onegirlwrotetoawomancolumnist:"Iamnineteenyearsold.MyfatherandIescapedfromnorthChinaayearago,crossingthecountrywithgreatdifficulty.WemadethelaststretchtoMacaoinasmallboatwhichwasfiredonbytheCommunists.MyfathercoveredmewithhisbodysohegotwoundedanddiedinthehospitalinMacao.IcametoHongKong,whereafriendoffather-sgotmeajobpayingaboutHK$100amonth[lessthantwentyAmericandollars],justenoughtokeepaliveandrentabunk.IamtheonlyonewithoutChristmasinallHongKong.PleasetellmeifIshouldgobackthemainland."
Sidebysidewithharrowingescapeslikethis,thereisalotofwhatseemstobeneedlessandfool-hardytrafficofrefugeesgoingbackforvisits."We-vegrownpoorfromsendingparcels,"mylandladytoldmeoncewithalittlelaugh.Shenevercouldleaveoffexplainingwhytheyhadtotakeinalodger.Sheandherhusbandsetbothsetsofparentsandotherdependentsnoodles,poprice,preservedmeatsandherbs,sugar,soy,peanutoil,andsoapeachmonthandclothinginseason.OfonebrandofBritish-madechickencubes,hermother-in-lawhadwrittenecstatically:"Thesecubeshavesolvedalltheproblemsofourtwomealsaday."Thesugartheydissolvedinwateranddrankasatonic.Herbrother,inalaborcampforharboringafriendaccusedofbeingaNationalistspy,isstillabletowriteheraskingforpillsforhisailingkidneyandswollenlegs.Herbrother,inalaborcampforharboringafriendaccusedofbeingaNationalistspy,isstillabletowriteheraskingforpillsforhisailingkidneyandswollenlegs.Heryoungersisterisdoctorassignedtoworkinthecountry."Shehastogooutonsickcallsatnight,whereit-spitchdarkandthegroundisunevenandshe-safraidofsnakes.Youknowhowyounggirlsare,"shesaid,justassheapologizedforherdaughtersmonopolizingthebathroom:"Youknowhowyounggirlsare."
Iwastheretoseeagreatpacking.Thelandladyhadarelativegoingback——awomaninherseventies——whocouldtakethingsinforthem.Thelandlady-shusbandwrestledwithloadsandropesalloverthekitchenfloor.Shebakedacakeandmadestewedpork.
"Theycanusethepottoo,"shesaid.
"HowisonetocarryapotofstewedporkallthewaytoShanghai?"
"Itwillbefrozen;thetrainisarefrigerator."
Shegotupatdawntoseetheoldladyoff,andshehadtogoalonetohelpcarrytheluggagepasttheinspectionsattheLohuborder.Thenextdayshecriedoutwhenshecameuponme:"Ha-ya,MissChang!Ialmostdidn-teback."
"Butwhathappened?"
"Huh-yee-ya!Tobeginwith,therewerealtogethertoomanythings.Theoldlady-sfault,too——shehadsomanythingsofherown.Oildrums,cratesofsaltedfish,wholecartonsofcans.Clothes,bedding,potsandpans,enoughtofurnishahouse.Thecustomsmanwaslosinghistemper.Thenhecameuponsomechangeinherpurse,twenty,thirtycentsofJenMingPiaoshehadwithherwhenshecameoutlasttimeandforgottogetridof.You-renotsupposedtotakeCommunistmoneyin,soallhellbrokeloose-Wheredidthisefrom?Ha?-And-Whatdoyoumeanbythis?Ha?-Turnedonmenow:-Whoareyou?AH?-"Mylandladyscrewedupherslant-eyedbabefacetoroaroutthe"Ahs"and"Has"."Ai-ya?aIsaidIknewnothingaboutthis,Ijustcametoseeheroff,butallthetimeIwasworriedtodeath."Shefrownedandcluckedwithannoyanceanddroppedhervoicetoawhisper."Thisoldladyhaddozensofnylonstockingssewninsideherthickpaddedgown."
"Tosell?"Iasked.
"No,justtogiveaspresents;womenweartheminsidetheirslacks."
"Butwhy?Whentheycan-tevenbeseen?"Andwithallthehungerweheardwasaround,Ithought.
"Notfull-lengthones."Thelandladygesturedtowardhercalves."Forthewivesofofficials.Shelikestobringeverybodysomething.Verycapableoldlady.SheimportsmoviesmadeinHongKong.Whatdoesshewantsomuchmoneyfor?Ha?Seventyandnochildren?Ha?"
Irememberedingouttenyearsago,walkingthelaststretchacrosstheLohuBridgewithitsroughwoodfloorclosedinonbothsidesbyguardhousesandfences.AgroupofusstoodwaitingaftertheHongKongpoliceontheothersideofthebarbedwirehadtakenourpapersawaytobestudied.Theytookalongtimeoverit.Itwasmidsummer.TheHongKongpoliceman,aleantallCantonesewithmonstrousdarkglasses,lookedcoolandarrogantashepacedaroundinhisuniformandshorts,smartlybeltedandcreased.BesideusstoodtheCommunistsentry,around-cheekednorthcountryboyinrumpledbaggyuniform.Afteranhourinthehotsuntheyoungsoldiermutteredangrily,speakingforthefirsttime,"Thesepeople!Keepyououthereinthisheat.Gostandintheshade."Hejerkedhisheadatthepatchofshadealittledistanceback.Butnoneofuswouldlookathim.Wejustsmiledslightly,pressingclosetothewirefenceasifafraidtobeleftout.Still,foramomentIfeltthewarmthofracewashovermeforthelasttime.
ThatfatefulbridgehasoftenbeenparedtotheNaihoBridgebetweentherealmsofthelivingandthedead.Likemostclich,itistruewhenyouexperienceityourself.Itmakesmeimpatienttohearwesternersquibbleaboutthefreeworldnotbeingreallyfree.Toobadthatmanyofushavetogobackoverthebridgewhenwecan-tmakealivingoutside.
IhaveanauntwhohasstayedinShanghaibecauseshecouldnotleavehernewhouse.Herson,justoutofcollege,joinedhisfatherinHongKongbutdidnotlikeitthere.Hewentbackin1952,justwhenIwasabouttoleave.HismothertookhimtohavehisfortunetoldoneeveningandIwentalong.Hewouldfindajobsoon,thefortunetellersaid.Buttheremightbetrouble.Hemightgotoprison.Thepredictionsoundedreasonableatthetime,withamovementonagainstbusinessmenandmanysuicidesandarrests.Theyoungishfortunetellerlookedlikeashopassistantinhisgabardinegown.IhadnoconfidenceinhimandresolutelyavoidedhiseyealthoughIneededbadlytohavemyownfortunetold.
MycousingotasmalljobinPekingaspredicted.Lifewashard,hewrotehismother.Getmarried,hismotherwroteback.It-stheonlywaytohavesomehappiness.Buthewasaquietboy,slowtomakeuphismind.TenyearslaterwhenIsawhisfatherinHongKongthistime,Iheardthesonhadwantedtogetoutagain.Checkinghisapplicationforpermittoleave,theauthoritiesseizedonthefactthathehadoncejoinedaNationalistgroupincollege.Hewassentencedtothreeyears-housearrestinhismother-smodernisticmansion,whichtheytooktheopportunitytosearch,probingthesofasforAmericandollars.Hehasallforts,evenservantstostandinlineforthedailyrations.ButthreeyearswithMotherisevidentlyconsideredenoughpunishment.
Iheardaboutmymother-sfamilyfromonofmyuncle-smarrieddaughters,theonlyoneout.Theothertwostayedinbecausetheirhusbands,adoctorandthesonofahighNationalistofficial,chosetostay.Oneofthesistershaddied.
"Sodidmybrother-swife,"saidmycousininHongKong."Andbothmenremarriedbeforetheirwives-boneswerecold.Fatherdiedofcancerafterlosingeverythinginthelandreform.MotheriswretchedlivingwithBrother.Hedoesn-tearnenoughandhisnewwifeisashrew.WeHuangsarefinished."
Lookingback,Isawhowmyfamilyandrelativeshadallbeentaughtbyourancestorstohangontoland,theonlycleanandsolidthing,byparisontowhichallotherpossessionsareshowy,immoral,thereforeimpermanent.Nomatterwhatfoolsone-schildrenwere,aslongastheydidnotslaplanddeedsonagamblingtabletheyweresafe.Despiteancestraladmonitions,intimeofcoursealltheirdescendantstriedtheirhandsatotherinvestmentsforbetterandquickerprofits.Manysoonfoundtheywerenotcleverenoughandresignedthemselvestotheyearlyinefromtheland?acutdownbywars,famines,inflations?aandgrewpoorerandpoorer.TheCommunistsmerelyhastenedtheend.
NooneIknowisinamuneorknowsanybodywhoisinone,withtheexceptionofaCantoneseamahwhowentbacktosweepthegravesthisspring.Herfamilybelongstothevillagemune.Itisstillthefarmers,alwaystheworstoff,whoaregettingtheworstofit.Havingheardofthefoodshortage,theamahbroughtinabitofcookingoilandsaltedfishofherownuse.
Whenshearrivedforatwentydayvisit,themuneallowedhertobuyalargequantityofriceandsmallquantitiesofcookingoilandporkasaspecialfavor.Theporkwasdividedamongherfamilyandneighborsbecausetheyhadnottastedmeatallyear.Sowenthersaltedfish.Herlasttendaysthereshelivedonsnailsthatalittlegirlgatheredforherfromapond.
Therewasnomunitydininghall.Everybodyqueuedupwithcanstogetthericeandwhatwentwithit,servedthroughtwoholesduginthekennel-sizedtempleoftheearthgod.Whentheygothomethefoodwascold,ofcourse.
Everydayatfourinthemorningamanbeatagongtosummoneverybodytothefields.Breakfastatnine.Workatten.Lunchattwelve.Workagainatone.Supperatsix.Workagainatseven.Butnotinthefieldsthistime?ausuallyitwascarryingcoalormud.Quitattenatnight.Sometimes"leapforward"totwelvemidnight.NoSundaysorholidays,onlyafewdaysoffattheNewYear.Thisdespitetheslogan"Letthefarmersrest."WagesvariedfromadollarsomethingtofiftyorsixtycentsJenMingPiaoamonth.Medicineshadbeenfreebutnowyoubuyyourown.Herddoctorswereavailablebutherbsarescarce.
WeChinesehavealwaysbeenatourbestwithinarigidframe,eveninpoetrywriting.It-swhenwearemosthemmedinthatweseemabletoriseaboveourselves.Aftertwentycenturiesofrulebythefamilywehavebeenfreeforperhapstwentyyears,andithasnotbeenapleasanttimeformanyofus,fullofconflictsandself-doubts.Nowthestatehastakentheplaceofthebigfamily,ingintoeverymomentandaspectoflifewithitsfamiliarpersuasivepressure.Thesheephasreturnedtothefold.Evenhungercanfeelright?auptoapoint.
ThosewholivenearMacaoswimamileorescapebysampaninbandssometimesasbigasahundred,fightingthemachinegunsofpursuinmotorboatswithsharpenedbamboopoles.Buttheywillnotstayputandfight.ThetroublewithusChineseisthatwearetoosensible.SixtythousandcrashedthelandbordertoHongKonglastMay.Theborderguardswhohadshotatsmallernumbersevidentlyheldbackbecausethecrowdsweretoobig,thegovernmenthavingalwaysavoidedmassacresifpossible.Afterthisthemunesweremodifiedbutnotabandoned.ThereisalreadytalknowoftheirbeingrevivedintheareaaroundCanton.
Advancetwosteps,retreatsastep?aMaoTse-tunghassaidthisishiswayofmakingprogress.Whetherdanceormarch,thepeopledragon,hopingtooutlivetheirtormentors.
(1963)
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