POOR RELATIONS

APOORRelation——isthemostirrelevantthinginnature,——apieceofimpertinentcorrespondency,anodiousapproximation,——ahauntingconscience,——apreposterousshadow,lengtheninginthenoontideofyourprosperity,——anunweleremembrancer,——aperpetuallyrecurringmortification,——adrainonyourpurse,——amoreintolerabledunuponyourpride,——adrawbackuponsuccess,——arebuketoyourrising,——astaininyourblood,——ablotonyourscutcheon,——arentinyourgarment,——adeathsheadatyourbanquet,——Agathoclespot,——aMordecaiinyourgate,——aLazarusatyourdoor,——alioninyourpath,——afroginyourchamber,——aflyinyourointment,——amoteinyoureye,——atriumphtoyourenemy,anapologytoyourfriends,——theonethingnotneedful,——thehailinharvest,——theounceofsourinapoundofsweet.

Heisknownbyhisknock.Yourhearttellethyou"ThatisMr."Arap,betweenfamiliarityandrespect;thatdemands,and,atthesametime,seemstodespairofentertainment.Heenterethsmiling,and——embarrassed.Heholdethouthishandtoyoutoshake,anddrawethitbackagain.Hecasuallylookethinaboutdinnertime——whenthetableisfull.Heofferethtogoaway,seeingyouhavepany——butisinducedtostay.Hefillethachair,andyourvisiterstwochildrenareacmodatedatasidetable.Heneverethuponopendays,whenyourwifesayswithsomeplacency,"Mydear,perhapsMr——willdropinto-day."Herememberethbirth-days——andprofessethheisfortunatetohavestumbleduponone.Hedeclarethagainstfish,theturbotbeingsmall——yetsufferethhimselftoheimportunedintoasliceagainsthisfirstresolution.Hestickethbytheport——yetwillheprevailedupontoemptytheremainderglassofclaret,ifastrangerpressituponhim.Heisapuzzletotheservants,whoarefearfulofbeingtooobsequious,ornotcivilenough,tohim.Thegueststhink"theyhaveseenhimbefore."Everyonespeculatethuponhiscondition;andthemostparttakehimtobeatide-waiter.HecallethyoubyyourChristianname,toimplythathisotheristhesamewithourown.Heistoofamiliarbyhalf,yetyouwishhehadlessdiffidence.Withhalfthefamiliarityhemightpassforacasualdependent;withmoreboldnesshewouldbeinnodangerofbeingtakenforwhatheis.Heistoohumbleforafriend,yettakethonhimmorestatethanbefitsaclient.Heisaworseguestthanacountrytenant,inasmuchashebringethupnorent——yet`tisodds,fromhisgarbanddemeanour,thatyourgueststakehimforone.Heisaskedtomakeoneatthewhisttable;refusethonthescoreofpoverty,and——resentsbeingleftout.Whenthepanybreakup,heprofferethtogoforacoach——andletstheservantgo.Herecollectsyourgrandfather;andwillthrustinsomemean,andquiteunimportantanecdoteof——thefamily.Heknewitwhenitwasnotquitesoflourishingas"heisblestinseeingitnow."Herevivethpastsituations,toinstitutewhathecalleth——favourableparisons.Withareflectingsortofcongratulation,hewillinquirethepriceofyourfurniture;andinsultsyouwithaspecialmendationofyourwindow-curtains.Heisofopinionthattheurnisthemoreelegantshape,but,afterall,therewassomethingmorefortableabouttheoldtea-kettle——whichyoumustremember.Hedaresayyoumustfindagreatconvenienceinhavingacarriageofyourown,andappealethtoyourladyifitisnotso.Inquireth~ifyouhavehadyourarmsdoneonvellumyet;anddidnotknowtilllately,thatsuch-and-suchhadbeenthecrestofthefamily.Hismemoryisunseasonable;hisplimentsperverse;histalkatrouble;hisstaypertinacious;andwhenhegoethaway,youdismisshischairintoacorner,asprecipitatelyaspossible,andfeelfairlyridoftwonuisances.

Thereisaworseevilunderthesun,andthat——aisfemalePoorRelation.Youmaydosomethingwiththeother;youmaypasshimofftolerablywell;butyourindigentshe-relativeishopeless."Heisanoldhumourist,"youmaysay,"andaffectstogothreadbare.Hiscircumstancesarebetterthanfolkswouldtakethemtohe.YouarefondofhavingaCharacteratyourtable,andtrulyheisone."Butintheindicationsoffemalepovertytherecanbenodisguise.Nowomandressesbelowherselffromcaprice.Thetruthmustoutwithoutshuffling."SheisplainlyrelatedtotheL——s;orwhatdoessheattheirhouse?"Sheis,inallprobability,yourwifescousin.Ninetimesoutoften,atleast,thisisthecase.Hergarbissomethingbetweenagentlewomanandabeggar,yettheformerevidentlypredominates.Sheismostprovokinglyhumble,andostentatiouslysensibletoherinferiority.Hemayrequiretoherepressedsometimes——aliquandosufflaminanduserat——butthereisnoraisingher.Yousendhersoupatdinner,andshebegstobehelped——afterthegentlemen.Mr——requeststhehonouroftakingwinewithher;shehesitatesbetweenPortandMadeira,andchoosestheformer——becausehedoes.ShecallstheservantSir;andinsistsonnottroublinghimtoholdherplate.Thehousekeeperpatronizesher.Thechildrensgovernesstakesuponhertocorrecther,whenshehasmistakenthepianoforaharpsichord.

RichardAmlet,Esq.,intheplay,isanotableinstanceofthedisadvantages,towhichthischimericalnotionofaffinityconstitutingaclaimtoacquaintance,maysubjectthespiritofagentleman.Alittlefoolishbloodisallthatisbetwixthimandaladyofgreatestate.Hisstarsareperpetuallycrossedbythemalignantmaternityofanoldwoman,whopersistsincallinghim"hersonDick."Butshehaswherewithalintheendtorepensehisindignities,andfloathimagainuponthebrilliantsurface,underwhichithadbeenherseemingbusiness,andpleasureallalongtosinkhim.Allmen,besides,arenotofDickstemperament.IknewanAmletinreallife,who,wantingDicksbuoyancy,sankindeed.PoorW——wasofmyownstandingatChrists,afineclassic,andayouthofPromise.Ifhehadablemish,itwastoomuchpride;butitsactualitywasinoffensive;itwasnotofthatsortwhichhardenstheheart,andservestokeepinferiorsatadistance;itonlysoughttowardoffderogationfromitself.Itwastheprincipleofself-respectcarriedasfarasitcouldgo,withoutinfringinguponthatrespect,whichhewouldhaveeveryoneelseequallymaintainforhimself.Hewouldhaveyoutothinkalikewithhimonthistopic.ManyaquarrelhaveIhadwithhim,whenwewereratherolderboys,andourtallnessmadeusmoreobnoxioustoobservationintheblueclothes,becauseIwouldnotthreadthealleysandblindwaysofthetownwithhimtoeludenotice,whenwehavebeenouttogetheronaholidayinthestreetsofthissneeringandpryingmetropolis.W——went,sorewiththesenotions,toOxford,wherethedignityandsweetnessofascholarslife,meetingwiththealloyofahumbleintroduction,wroughtinhimapassionatedevotiontotheplace,withaprofoundaversionfromthesociety.Theservitorsgown(worsethanhisschoolarray)clungtohimwithNessianvenom.Hethoughthimselfridiculousinagarb,underwhichLatimermusthavewalkederect;andinwhichHooker,inhisyoungdays,possiblyflauntedinaveinofnodismendablevanity.Inthedepthofcollegeshades,orinhislonelychamber,thepoorstudentshrunkfromobservation.Hefoundshelteramongbooks,whichinsultnot;andstudies,thatasknoquestionsofayouthsfinances.Hewaslordofhislibrary,andseldomcaredforlookingoutbeyondhisdomains.Thehealinginfluenceofstudiouspursuitswasuponhim,tosootheandtoabstract.Hewasalmostahealthyman;whenthewaywardnessofhisfatebrokeoutagainsthimwithasecondandworsemalignity.ThefatherofW——hadhithertoexercisedthehumbleprofessionofhousepainteratN——,nearOxford.Asupposedinterestwithsomeoftheheadsofthecollegeshadnowinducedhimtotakeuphisabodeinthatcity,withthehopeofbeingemployeduponsomepublicworkswhichweretalkedof.FromthatmomentIreadinthecountenanceoftheyoungman,thedeterminationwhichatlengthtorehimfromacademicalpursuitsforever.ToapersonunacquaintedwithourUniversities,thedistancebetweenthegownsmenandthetownsmen,astheyarecalled——thetradingpartofthelatterespecially——iscarriedtoanexcessthatwouldappearharshandincredible.ThetemperamentofW——`sfatherwasdiametricallythereverseofhisown.OldW——wasalittle,busy,cringingtradesman,who,withhissonuponhisarm,wouldstandbowingandscraping,capinhand,toany-thingthatborethesemblanceofagown——insensitivetothewinksandopenerremonstrancesoftheyoungman,towhosechamber-fellow,orequalinstanding,perhaps,hewasthusobsequiouslyandgratuitouslyducking.Suchastateofthingscouldnotlast.W——mustchangetheairofOxfordorbesuffocated.Hechosetheformer;andletthesturdymoralist,whostrainsthepointofthefilialdutiesashighastheycanbear,censurethedereliction;hecannotestimatethestruggle.IstoodwithW——,thelastafternoonIeversawhim,undertheeavesofhispaternaldwelling.ItwasinthefinelaneleadingfromtheHigh.streettothebackof*****college,whereW——kepthisrooms.Heseemedthoughtful,andmorereconciled.Iventuredtorallyhim——findinghiminabettermood——uponarepresentationoftheArtistEvangelist,whichtheoldman,whoseaffairswerebeginningtoflourish,hadcausedtohesetupinasplendidsortofframeoverhisreallyhandsomeshop,eitherasatokenofprosperity,orbadgeofgratitudetohissaint.W——lookedupattheLuke,and,likeSatan,"knewhismountedsign——andfled."Aletteronhisfatherstablethenextmorning,announcedthathehadacceptedamissioninaregimentabouttoembarkforPortugal.HewasamongthefirstwhoperishedbeforethewallsofSt.Sebastian.

Idonotknowhow,uponasubjectwhichIbeganwithtreatinghalfseriously,Ishouldhavefallenuponarecitalsoeminentlypainful;butthisthemeofpoorrelationshipisrepletewithsomuchmatterfortragicaswellasicassociations,thatitisdifficulttokeeptheaccountdistinctwithoutblending.TheearliestimpressionswhichIreceivedonthismatter,arecertainlynotattendedwithanythingpainful,orveryhumiliating,intherecalling.Atmyfatherstable(noverysplendidone)wastobefound,everySaturday,themysteriousfigureofanagedgentleman,clothedinneatblack,ofasadyetelyappearance.Hisdeportmentwasoftheessenceofgravity;hiswordsfewornone;andIwasnottomakeanoiseinhispresence.Ihadlittleinclinationtohavedoneso——formycuewastoadmireinsilence.,Aparticularelbowchairwasappropriatedtohim,whichwasinnocasetobeviolated.Apeculiarsortofsweetpudding,whichappearedonnootheroccasion,distinguishedthedaysofhising.Iusedtothinkhimaprodigiouslyrichman.AllIcouldmakeoutofhimwas,thatheandmyfatherhadbeenschoolfellowsaworldagoatLincoln,andthathecamefromtheMint.TheMintIknewtobeaplacewhereallthemoneywascoined——andIthoughthewastheownerofallthatmoney.AwfulideasoftheTowertwinedthemselvesabouthispresence.Heseemedabovehumaninfirmitiesandpassions.Asortofmelancholygrandeurinvestedhim.FromsomeinexplicabledoomIfanciedhimobligedtogoaboutinaneternalsuitofmourning;acaptive——astatelybeing,letoutoftheToweronSaturdays.OftenhaveIwonderedatthetemerityofmyfather,who,inspiteofanhabitualgeneralrespectwhichweallinmonmanifestedtowardshim,wouldventurenowandthentostandupagainsthiminsomeargument,touchingtheiryouthfuldays.ThehousesoftheancientcityofLincolnaredivided(asmostofmyreadersknow)betweenthedwellersonthehill,andinthevalley.Thismarkeddistinctionformedanobviousdivisionbetweentheboyswholivedabove(howeverbroughttogetherinamonschool)andtheboyswhosepaternalresidencewasontheplain;asufficientcauseofhostilityinthecodeoftheseyoungGrotiuses.MyfatherhadbeenaleadingMountaineer;andwouldstillmaintainthegeneralsuperiority,inskillandhardihood,oftheaboveBoys(hisownfaction)overtheBelowBoys(soweretheycalled),ofwhichpartyhiscontemporaryhadbeenachieftain.Manyandhotweretheskirmishesonthistopic——theonlyoneuponwhichtheoldgentlemanwaseverbroughtout——andbadbloodbred;evensometimesalmosttotheremencement(soIexpected)ofactualhostilities.Butmyfather,whoscornedtoinsistuponadvantages,generallycontrivedtoturntheconversationuponsomeadroitby-mendationoftheoldMinster;inthegeneralpreferenceofwhich,beforeallothercathedralsintheisland,thedwelleronthehill,andtheplainborn,couldmeetonaconciliatinglevel,andlaydowntheirlessimportantdifferences.OnceonlyIsawtheoldgentlemanreallyruffled,andIrememberedwithanguishthethoughtthatcameoverme:"Perhapshewillneverehereagain."Hehadbeenpressedtotakeanotherplateoftheviand,whichIhavealreadymentionedastheindispensableconitantofhisvisits.Hehadrefused,witharesistanceamountingtorigour——whenmyaunt,anoldLincolnian,butwhohadsomethingofthis,inmonwithmycousinBridget,thatshewouldsometimespresscivilityoutofseason——utteredthefollowingmemorableapplication——"Dotakeanotherslice,Mr.Billet,foryoudonotgetpuddingeveryday."Theoldgentlemansaidnothingatthetime——buthetookoccasioninthecourseoftheevening,whensomeargumenthadintervenedbetweenthem,toutterwithanemphasiswhichchilledthepany,andwhichchillsmenowasIwriteit——"Woman,youaresuperannuated."JohnBilletdidnotsurvivelong,afterthedigestingofthisaffront;buthesurvivedlongenoughtoassuremethatpeacewasactuallyrestored!and,ifIrememberaright,anotherpuddingwasdiscreetlysubstitutedintheplaceofthatwhichhadoccasionedtheoffence.HediedattheMint(Anno1781)wherehehadlongheld,whatheaccounted,afortableindependence;andwithfivepounds,fourteenshillings,andapenny,whichwerefoundinhisescrutoireafterhisdecease,lefttheworld,blessingGodthathehadenoughtoburyhim,andthathehadneverbeenobligedtoanymanforasixpence.Thiswas——aPoorRelation.