Caldwellheardthefamiliarsoundofhisscreamsfromdeepwithinhisnightmare.Longbeforeitjoltedhimawake,hesawinterlacedbetweenthehorrificimages,fragmentsofthedecisionhehadmade.Thefragmentscoalesced,fusingintosomethingcold,darkandchillinglyabsolute.Heopenedhiseyes,allowinghiscontactsandirisesthemillisecondstheyneededtoadjusttothesemi-darkness.Hegruntedandturnedoveronthememoryfoamfuton.Itwasquietinhisenclosedcapsule,quiet,exceptforthediscordantsoundsofmeninvariousstatesofsleep.
Caldwellhadlonglearnedtoblockouttheobligatoryrumblingsnoresoftheotheroccupants,theraspingsoundsofheavybreathingunderscoredbythedistantnoiseoftrafficoutside.Inhismind,thesonicsummaryofrecurringnightmaresstillechoedbackfromdeepwithintheplasticwallsofhiscapsule.
ScreamswerenothingnewattheAngelCapsuleHotel.Theycame,inalltheirharrowingvariety,inthemiddleofthenightorinbroaddaylight.Theoccupantshadlearnedtoreadmeaninginthediscordantsoundsandtoblockthemout.Overthecourseofhisunintentionallyprolongedstay,Caldwellhadheardthemall.Thecriesofdesperation,howlsofpain,heart-rendingsoundsofgrownmencryingintheirsleepandthedepravedshriekingofderangedmenbroughttotheendoftheirtether.Sometimestheonslaughtwasrelentless,thedecibelsseepingthroughtheporesoftheplasticwalls.Hehadlainawakelisteningtothenonsensicalmutteringsofmentalkingintheirsleep,thegruntsandexhalationsofalcoholicsrelievingthemselveswithinthestiflingcocoonsoftheirowncapsules.Hefoundithardtodecipherthemeaningofhisownscreamsamidstallthewailingandgnashingofteeth.
Today,Caldwellfeltastrangehypersensitivity.Hewasacutelyawareofthesweat-soakedsheetsclingingtohisnakedperspiringtorsolikeashroud,theminutemovementsofthethermo-regulatingfabricsystematicallyadjustingitsweave.Caldwellwonderedwhetherthissensitivitytoexternalstimuliwasasideeffectofhimhavingmadethemostcowardlyofpersonalchoices.Hestillhadn’tbroughthimselftocontemplatethefinalityofhisdecisionbuttheconclusionwasinevitable.Eventually,inamatterofminutes,hethought,hewasgoingtokillhimself.
Soon,theendwouldbeinsightforhisheavilypunctuatedsleeppatterns.Thenightmaresthatstretchedintoinfinity,ghostlyapparitionsoffearreachingdeepintohispsyche.Hewastrappedinalivinghellandtherewasonlyonewayout.Soon,hewouldhavethatwhichhecravedmorethananythingelse,asleepthatstretchedundisturbedintoinfinity.Hewouldhavepeace.
CaldwellglancedatthetimeprojectedinpalegreenpixelsbythecheapTaiwaneseclockbuiltintotheceiling.Throughburnedouteyes,tormentedmindmoribundinthatfuzzyareabetweensleepandwakefulness,hewatchedthepulsatingdigitsoftheclocktickingover.Itwasthathourofdawn.Outside,theshadowsofthenighthadstartedtorecede,exposingthegraywetrealityofawintermorning.Helayinertonthememoryfoamfutonandwatchedthetimespinonitsinvisibleaxis,sweepingthroughitsthreehundredandsixty-degreearcinpreciselysixtyseconds.Itwas5.30AM.
TimehadbeeameaninglessconcepttoCaldwell,reducedtoasimplebiologicalcountingdown,theunstoppableapproachofanimpendingexpirydate.Hefoundsleepelusive,hisexistencereducedtountoldhoursofwakefulnessfollowedbyannoyingstretchesofinsomnia.Sometimeshewouldgodayswithoutsleep,arelativelyrecentafflictionthatheconcludedwassubconsciouslybroughtonbyadesperateattempttoavoidbeingplungedbackintoanotherinterminablesequenceofhorrificdreams.Whensleepcameeventually,thenightmareswouldbeginalloveragain,thegrotesquestoryboardsunfurlingwithevenmoreintensity.Thenhe’dwakeupscreaming,thetimeprojectedfromtheclockhisonlybeacontoreality,countingdowntohisimpendingdeath.
Themorehethoughtaboutit,themorethedecisiontotakehisownlifeseemedtomakesense.Andtoday,whichhappenedtobehistwenty-eighthbirthday,wasasgoodatimeasany.Therewasnothingtocelebrate,onlytheencroachingshadowofdeath.Itwasn’tadecisionthathadeeasily.Caldwellsuspectedthatthedecision-makingprocesshadbeeninmotionforquitesometime,firingawaydeepwithinhissynapses.He’dbeenconsideringitatasubconsciouslevel,surreptitiouslyweighingtheconsandpros.
Allthingsbeingequal,suicideseemedtobethemostsensiblepathtotake.Itwasapathwelltrodden.Hecouldnotgoonanylonger.HisrecenttriptotheblackzoneofOval,whichhe’dtakenwhileenvelopedinarealitydistortionfieldofhisownmaking,wasconfirmationenoughthathe’dbeencontemplatingitforawhile.Hisimpendingsuicidewaspremeditatedandnotaspur-of-the-momentthingashe’dtriedtohavehimselfbelieve.
Caldwellthoughtabouttheendlessnightslyingonthefutonstaringintospace,theburningpixelsofpornogramsetchingglyphsonhiseyeballs.Asthememoriesdriftedawayandtheimagesfaded,andhisimpendingsuicidecamebackintofocus,Caldwellfoundhimselfstaringintotheswirlingblackholethatwashisdepression.Adepressionthatwasthecumulativesumofawholelitanyofmisfortunes,someofwhichheconcludedhewouldneverunderstand.Hewonderedhowhislifehaddegeneratedintothisclawingmiasmaofrawunfulfilledneed.
Caldwelllayinertonthefutonwatchingthegreenpseudoquartzofthecapsuletimerusherinhisdemise.HiseyesshiftedtotheLCDpanelsetintotheplasticceiling.Thesightofthebacklitdigitsofthelastunitsofhiscreditdisappearingintotheetherfilledhimwithastrangesenseofeuphoria.Thiswouldbehislastcapsulehotel.Justafewminutesnowanditwouldallbeoverhereassuredhimself.Instinctively,hiseyesmovedtothetransparentblackvialsittingonthecigarette-scaldedplasticshelf.Thepoisonhe’dacquiredfromthewhite-hairedGeorgianinthesyringe-scatteredbackalleysofOval.
CaldwellwonderedwhetherthehackersontheHackerUndergroundBoard,TheHUB,wouldmisshim.TheHUBwasajobboardandmunityincyberspace,ahackingworkhouse,gridironandcreditsourceforcountlessUnionhackersandbyteboysfromViennatoVladivostok.ScoresgleanedfromtheHUBhadkeptCaldwellinChernobylChickenandpizzaforeighteenmonths.ThevastmajorityofthedealshadefromamysteriousprocurerhiddenbehindanetworkoffirewallsandlowlevelintruderdetectionAIssointricatethattheyhadtobelongtoamajorconglomeratewithsomethingtohide.
ThewordonTheHUB,itselfadynamicpieceofmunitycodedriftingthroughcyberspace,wasthatthebuyerwassomeoneontopofthefoodchainofamajorYakuzacontrolledZaibatsu.Inthisbusiness,youdidn’taskquestions.ItwashardenoughgettingintoTheHUB’sinnercircleandonceyouwerethere,youdidyourdamnedesttostaythere.Thatmeantreceivingyourelectronicbriefinganddeliveringtheservice,endofstory.Youkeptyourmouthshutanditstayedshutevenafterthecredittransactiontookplace.Noquestions.
CaldwellhadmadealivingridingtheconsolesoftheUnion’scapsulehotels.Untilrecently,hehadneverstayedinoneplacelongerthanacoupleofweeksatatime.Hiscurrentcapsulewastheonlyexception,tenweeksinthesameclaustrophobicsarcophagus,thelackofworkflowandcreditgoinghandinhandwithhiscurrentstateofstasis.Thepurposeofhisnomadiclifestylehadbeenbothtostaycontinuallyshroudedbeneathacloakofanonymityandtoavoidformingemotionalattachmentstoplacesorpeople.
Hehadthisinternalalarmclockthattoldhimwhenitwastimetomoveon.Helistenedforitdaily,thatfrayingofthenervesthatsignaledthatachangeofenvironmentwasimminent.Otherwise,hewoulddeterioraterapidlyintoanervouswreck,incapableofdoinganythingotherthanclawattheplasticwallsofhiscapsuleanddrivehimselfapoplecticwithself-loathing.Sometimesitwasjusttheothercapsulejockeysbeingfriendly,ontherareoccasionsthatheactuallyventuredoutsideonatoiletrun,whichsetthealarmbellsringing.
HisworkonTheHUBhadboughthimacertainlevelofnotorietyandamodestamountofcreditthatallowedhimtoekeoutanexistenceinthedigitalfloatingworldofmercialhacking,whileconstantlymaneuveringtostaybelowtheradaroftheever-shrinkinglegaldomainsoftheUnion.Theblackmarketsweregrowingfast,spreadinglikesomenew-fangleddisease,forcingtheauthoritiestoresorttodesperatemeasurestoreignintheescalatingcrimeandputastoptotheshadyracketsofsubversivetypes.
Overthelasttwomonthsaninexplicablestasishadtakenholdofthemarket,atleastasfarasCaldwellwasconcerned.Hehadgonemorethaneightweekswithoutlandingajob,afactthatheattributedtothehighlypublicizedfailureofhisattempttoretrievetheprivatebankingclientlistfromaSumitomoBankdatabase.Someoneouttherehadavendettaagainsthimandtheyhadusedthefree-flowingdataofcyberspacetostackthecardsagainsthim.Why?Caldwellhadnoidea.
HehadbeenpartoftheinnercircleofatightringofanonymoushackersaroundtheworldthatgeneratedmostofTheHUB’sbusiness.He’dprovenhimselfoverthemonthswithincreasinglyoutrageousbreachesofthedatabanksofmajorcorporations.TheownerofTheHUBwhowentbythenicknameofGlyphtookasmallcutofeachscore.SuddenlyCaldwellhadbeendisconnectedfromthedealflowandfromtheinnercycle,reducedtoalivewireofdepressionstaringblanklyatanemptymandline.Hackerswereborntohack,yetCaldwellwashardwiredtohackonlyondemand.Asthedealsdriedup,Caldwell’senthusiasmforthegamewithered.Hewasnolongerturnedonbytheacplishmentofpromisingasecuresystem.
Failuresweremoninthedigitalfloatingworld.Youwonsome,youlostsome.Sincehischosenprofessiononlyallowedforahand-to-mouthexistence,Caldwell’sexilehadtakenitstollonhiscreditchipandhiswilltolive.Hehadtrieddesperatelytoreversethesituationbuttonoavail.Hishackingwinterhadsetinandallhecoulddowasstareatthecapsuleterminalashissoftwareagentsreturnedempty-handed.Somedidnotreturnatall,havingdiedmysteriousdeathswhilenegotiatingtheintricaciesofsuperiorintrusiondetectioncode.
Ithadtakenawhiletoreachthecatharticjunctionbuthenowknewwithabsolutecertaintythatdeathwastheonlywayout.Hehadnoknownrelatives,nobodytogrieveforhim.Hisonlineassociateswouldnotmisshimforlong,distractedastheywerebytheemergingopportunitiesofarapidlyshape-shiftingcyberspace.Hismemoriesheldnothingthatwouldgivehimcausetoregrethisowndeath.Theysaidthatwhenyouwereabouttodieyourwholelifeflashedbeforeyoureyes.Caldwellknewhisflashbackswouldbeverybrief.Infact,hesuspectedthathemightnothaveanyatall.
Therewascoldforttobegleanedfromtheknowledgethathewassoontodisappearintotheether,permanentlyjerkedintothematrixofthegreatbeyond.Forawhile,hismemorydeficitnotwithstanding,Caldwellhadbelievedferventlythattherewassomeunfulfilledpurposetohisexistence,yetundiscoveredfacetsofhispotential.Anditwasthatbeliefthathadkepthimgoing,kepthimconnectedtotheglowinglatticesofcyberspacefordaysatatime.Thatbeliefhadslowlyandsurelybeenshattered.Hewasgoingtodieobliviousofhispast,tooscaredtofaceadarkanddesolatefuture.
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