第54章 Chapter Six(3)

　　Bernard felt extremely uncomfortable. A man so conventional， so scrupulously correct as the Director–and to commit so gross a solecism！ lt made him want to hide his face， to run out of the room. Not that he himself saw anything intrinsically objectionable in people talking about the remote past； that was one of those hypnopaedic prejudices he had （so he imagined） completely got rid of. What made him feel shy was the knowledge that the Director disapproved–disapproved and yet had been betrayed into doing the forbidden thing. Under what inward compulsion？ Through his discomfort Bernard eagerly listened.

　　“I had the same idea as you，” the Director was saying. “Wanted to have a look at the savages. Got a permit for New Mexico and went there for my summer holiday. With the girl I was having at the moment. She was a Beta-Minus， and I think” （he shut his eyes）， “I think she had yellow hair. Anyhow she was pneumatic， particularly pneumatic； I remember that. Well， we went there， and we looked at the savages， and we rode about on horses and all that. And then–it was almost the last day of my leave–then…well， she got lost. We’d gone riding up one of those revolting mountains， and it was horribly hot and oppressive， and after lunch we went to sleep. Or at least I did. She must have gone for a walk， alone. At any rate， when I woke up， she wasn’t there. And the most frightful thunderstorm I’ve ever seen was just bursting on us. And it poured and roared and flashed； and the horses broke loose and ran away； and I fell down， trying to catch them， and hurt my knee， so that I could hardly walk. Still， I searched and I shouted and I searched. But there was no sign of her. Then I thought she must have gone back to the rest-house by herself. So I crawled down into the valley by the way we had come. My knee was agonizingly painful， and I’d lost my soma. It took me hours. I didn’t get back to the rest-house till after midnight. And she wasn’t there； she wasn’t there，” the Director repeated. There was a silence. “Well，” he resumed at last， “the next day there was a search. But we couldn’t find her. She must have fallen into a gully somewhere； or been eaten by a mountain lion. Ford knows. Anyhow it was horrible. It upset me very much at the time. More than it ought to have done， I dare say. Because， after all， it’s the sort of accident that might have happened to any one； and， of course， the social body persists although the component cells may change.” But this sleep-taught consolation did not seem to be very effective. Shaking his head， “I actually dream about it sometimes，” the Director went on in a low voice. “Dream of being woken up by that peal of thunder and finding her gone； dream of searching and searching for her under the trees.” He lapsed into the silence of reminiscence.

　　“You must have had a terrible shock，” said Bernard， almost enviously.

　　At the sound of his voice the Director started into a guilty realization of where he was； shot a glance at Bernard， and averting his eyes， blushed darkly； looked at him again with sudden suspicion and， angrily on his dignity， “Don’t imagine，” he said， “that I’d had any indecorous relation with the girl. Nothing emotional， nothing long-drawn. It was all perfectly healthy and normal.” He handed Bernard the permit. “I really don’t know why I bored you with this trivial anecdote.” Furious with himself for having given away a discreditable secret， he vented his rage on Bernard. The look in his eyes was now frankly malignant. “And I should like to take this opportunity， Mr. Marx，” he went on， “of saying that I’m not at all pleased with the reports I receive of your behaviour outside working hours. You may say that this is not my business. But it is. I have the good name of the Centre to think of. My workers must be above suspicion， particularly those of the highest castes. Alphas are so conditioned that they do not have to be infantile in their emotional behaviour. But that is all the more reason for their making a special effort to conform. lt is their duty to be infantile， even against their inclination. And so， Mr. Marx， I give you fair warning.” The Director’s voice vibrated with an indignation that had now become wholly righteous and impersonal–was the expression of the disapproval of Society itself. “If ever I hear again of any lapse from a proper standard of infantile decorum， I shall ask for your transference to a Sub-Centre–preferably to Iceland. Good morning.” And swivelling round in his chair， he picked up his pen and began to write.

　　“That’ll teach him，” he said to himself. But he was mistaken. For Bernard left the room with a swagger， exulting， as he banged the door behind him， in the thought that he stood alone， embattled against the order of things； elated by the intoxicating consciousness of his individual significance and importance. Even the thought of persecution left him undismayed， was rather tonic than depressing. He felt strong enough to meet and overcome amiction， strong enough to face even Iceland. And this confidence was the greater for his not for a moment really believing that he would be called upon to face anything at all. People simply weren’t transferred for things like that. Iceland was just a threat. A most stimulating and life-giving threat. Walking along the corridor， he actually whistled.

　　Heroic was the account he gave that evening of his interview with the D.H.C. “Whereupon，” he concluded， “I simply told him to go to the Bottomless Past and marched out of the room. And that was that.” He looked at Helmholtz Watson expectantly， awaiting his due reward of sympathy， encouragement， admiration. But no word came. Helmholtz sat silent， staring at the floor.

　　He liked Bernard； he was grateful to him for being the only man of his acquaintance with whom he could talk about the subjects he felt to be important. Nevertheless， there were things in Bernard which he hated. This boasting， for example. And the

　　outbursts of an abject self-pity with which it alternated. And his deplorable habit of being bold after the event， and full， in absence， of the most extraordinary presence of mind. He hated these things–just because he liked Bernard. The seconds passed. Helmholtz continued to stare at the floor. And suddenly Bernard blushed and turned away.